There’s an atrocity taking place in houses across America, and we’re gonna speak approximately it. It is almost as important as whether trade, just a tier below bees loss of life off in droves and somewhere in the JFK assassination shadow. This trouble runs deeper than religions, creeds, and political affiliation. Whether you’re a Muslim, Christian, or Jew, Democrat or Republican, Boomer or Millennial, it’s time to cope with the elephant inside the room.’
Why is a collection of misinformed savages performing like cake is same as pie?
Created using the Egyptians, propagated with the Greeks’ aid, made tremendous via the Germans, and pushed home with the aid of submit-commercial age Americans, the cake has become the image of birthdays, weddings, and demise. Someone receives married and desires to take a tacky photo with a slice? Cake has your back. Does Grandma kick the bucket? Here, have a slice of sympathy sponge.
Pie doesn’t get stuck up in all that nonsense; It’s humble, extra significant. You may consume cake while grandma dies, but you proportion her pie even as she’s alive.
And in which’s cake? You get one for your birthday, which is constructed to be a work of homespun art while all and sundry pretends to be satisfied, which you wheezed all over it, blowing out the candle. Tally it all up: spit, waxy candle bits, layers of frosted drywall no person really wants to consume. Sounds delicious!
Kids’ birthday events are even worse. We’re stuffing an already insane batch of miscreants with hot dogs and chips, after which we supply them a low-grade sugar surge? Who thought this turned into a good concept?
Let’s get actual here: have you ever even been to a birthday party wherein the whole cake is without a doubt eaten? Sixty percent receives was tossed about three days after guilt led you to stuff the leftovers in the beer fridge due to the fact “it’d be awful to permit all that hard work go to waste.” The truth is, we all realize that a festering pile of shit has become simply taking on vital real estate.
Hell, with birthdays, what about our two biggest food holidays: Christmas and Thanksgiving. Any of y’all munching on the cake? Nope. Your ass is lining as much as sample nine one-of-a-kind sort of the pie. You just crammed yourself silly with mashed potatoes, turkey, and food that is called stuffing. However, you continue to control to make room for pie. Why? Because it’s that excellent.
How cake became viewed as pie’s identical is a mystery of no longer the Marvel universe, but the actual one we stay in, and there ain’t any friendly Spider dudes or cosmic dessert strength like Thanos and his sparkly glove to redeem it.
Cake sucks. It’s nothing more than a drywall center covered in disgusting icing with crunchy sugar most cancers vegetation — and without the frosting, the cake is even worse—a loathsome sponge without a soul, reliant on blind desire all the components will coalesce. Let’s get real, cake human beings; you’re just in it for the frosting. And that’s exceptional, I bet, however all the frosting within the international can’t beat an easy peach pie.
A slice of pie has umami: the crunch of the crust, the gooey center. Let’s prevent patting cake on the pinnacle and giving it a participation trophy for simply showing up. The cake is the child at the tee-ball team who loves sitting on the bench and slurping Slushies. He didn’t earn his $5 celebrity trophy with the unhappy little plaque, but he was given it anyway, despite puking purple at 2nd base the only time he, without a doubt, got a hit.
In the pantheon of dessert ingredients, a cake is a 7th vicinity, at excellent, in the back of cannoli, fritters, cobbler, and anything fun things English people make on The Great British Baking Show.
The pie comes in apple, cherry, lemon meringue, pumpkin, strawberry, blueberry, and chess — it’s this kind of rainbow of flavors; there must be a caricature leprechaun guarding that shit. Who doesn’t like a tangy key lime pie with its vibrant, sour flavor, the ethereal layer of whipped cream, and then your boy, the graham cracker crust including a flavor layer and coming accurate Mack Diesel-fashion?
Over in Lakeville, the satisfactory you can wish for is red velvet, ultra-chocolate with pink dye. Every cake defender cites chocolate because the ultimate instance of cake’s power; however, have you ever tried chocolate pie? It’s lush, velvety, with a pudding consistency, and in contrast to chalky ol’ cake, doesn’t require a pitcher of milk to cowl for that drywall-tasting ass.
Cake has like, six flavors: chocolate, pink-chocolate, vanilla, vanilla with some colorful shit inside, and bizarre strawberry that tastes like the shade crimson. But Bobby, what about ice cream cake? Get out of right here with that crap. That’s ice cream in a flowery outfit. And as for cheesecake? The cream cheese texture and presence of a crust indicate it’s greater pie than cake. I’m chalking that up to advertising and marketing because “cheesecake” rolls off the tongue. “Cheese pie” sounds disgusting.
A cake can get stacked into crazy degrees or became a toddler-consuming witch, as TV competition indicates, have taught us. The cake got here simplest to affect. It’s the appealing asshole cousin who shits on each circle of relatives get-together. Just as it looks fancy from afar doesn’t imply it’s beautiful. When it comes to studying cake, there’s now not plenty there.
A pie is an artwork produced from a grandmother’s include. You don’t just make a crust, the ones little divots with a fork take patience and a person willing to teach that ability. Pies are currency, acts of kindness whilst someone does something first-class for you: ain’t nobody’s name Duncan Hines.